It is one of those days.
That nauseating feeling of dread and a healthy dose of cynicism hit me as soon as I opened my eyes. That and at some point last night Soufflé decided to park her entire body on my neck with her paw pressed up against my nose. Graceful.
Not a sunshine butterfly day then.
Understandably therefore, I am sitting here channeling Grumpy Belucchinie. Everyone and everything is going to rub me the wrong way today I can tell. Today of all days my pet peeves will decide to pay me that long delayed visit. It was incredibly dumb to give away my Wonder Woman cape all those years ago.
I thought it apt to run down a list of these Ghosts of Christmas Past to my Ebenezer Scrooge. If you see them coming my way, please zap them with your extra-nuclear-protonic-ray and fry them till kingdom come. I shall be most grateful.
- Unapologetic tardiness – Go back to school and learn some manners. Two o’clock means two o’clock not three thirty. Don’t try it one me, it does not take 1.5 hours to drive from Mt Albert to Ponsonby. I don’t care if you drive a Daihatsu.
- Lying by text – No, you are, in fact, not outside yet. My window overlooks the front door, do you really think I am so easily fooled?
- T9 predictive – Mr. iPhone, you change my text from ‘kiss my foot’ to ‘kiss my goop’ it severely lessens the gravity of my text. What is a ‘goop’?!
- Rain rain prickly pain pain – Oh why do you always come when I decide to wash, blow dry and GHD my hair?
- Miss Receptionist – We know it is an easy job which you don’t need and that you are only here each day for breakfast, tea and lunch – but please close the fridge door after yourself or at least don’t look at the milk like it is magic milk when it goes off ALL THE TIME.
- Gassers – Don’t try the innocent look on me, I know it was you. Stinking up the room is bad enough, it is the dishonesty that gets me.
- Eager-beavers – Yes you read Madame Bovary at the tender at of 16 and are well versed in the banalities of 19th century French provincial life. Watching you put yet another Hugo Boss on credit only tells me that you have learned nothing.
- Too busy to do lunch – Then don’t ask me to do lunch. I will gladly go through life without sharing a meal with you.
- Stinkies – Take a shower please. I am sure your home is equipped with running water.
- 3M wall tapes – Hold damn it!