I have been reminiscing a lot of late.
Maybe it is winter that forces Soufflé and I to abandon our walks and stay at home. Maybe it is the recent burglary that knocked me a bit off my orbit. Maybe it is just my addle-minded self drifting in and out of focus and driving me to mental verbiage.
Life seems stagnant somehow. I feel an odd sense of dreadful comfort.
Questions inevitable arise about myself. Whether I have changed, progressed or even regressed? Am I in a rut? Do I care? What have I achieved?
In Chinese there is this saying: ants on the bum. It describes someone who cannot stay still; whose mind is always on the next thing; who can never focus on the present. Basically it is a layman’s term for someone with ADHD. Sometimes I think I am a bit like that, ants on my bum. Lazy ants though. I do fly off from one ambition to another though my erraticisms have much delayed effects. That is, I often abandon ship just as the end is nigh. Just like how my mother had always described me, the girl who lacks that extra oomph to finish the race.
Problem with someone like me is that however much (or little) perseverance I have, it will always be outshone by my ambition. I can potentially spend the next ten years pursuing my interests and goals and achieve very little of them.
So I think no this cold winter day it is apt for me to look back on the past year and take stock on what I have or have not done in the last year.
- A year ago I wanted to polish up on my French. I am taking Italian lessons instead.
- A year ago I was happily in love with H. I am still happily in love with H though his habit of not putting things back to where he found them grate at me from time to time.
- A year ago I tolerated my job. I still tolerate my job.
- A year ago I abandoned writing. Two weeks ago I picked up my old scribble pad and revisited my characters, Aunt Joan and Blushing Lucy.
- A year ago I rediscovered Stephen Fry. Now I stalk him regularly through Twitter and stephenfry.com.
- A year ago I dreaded earthquakes for fear of being crushed by my massive wardrobe. Now I have little attachment to my belonging and go through a seasonal purges.
- A year ago I did not know the property usage of a semicolon, I still don’t.
- A year ago I had trouble expressing anger and disappointment. These days I invent an alter ego who does all the yelling and cold shoulders.
- A year ago I relied on Facebook for mindless entertainment. These days I watch reality shows featuring Gordon Ramsay.
- A year ago I shunned mainstream cinemas. Last night I saw Salt. It was absurd but Angelina Jolie was really cool.
- A year ago I bought new shoes. These days I send H to the cobblers once a month. These people are the unsung heroes of our community.
- A year ago I was an avid reader and baker of all things sweet. Now I only wish I set aside more than for reading and not sleeping. Oh yes, I am also sleeping a lot more.
- A year ago I took up my mother’s old Nikon SLR. Now I am saving for a D90.
So… a mixed bag of a year really. To use an Olive Snook adage: Life is like nuts. Who wants all the same kind? Mixed is the best. What has your year been like?